Daydream Canvas

i miss my boyfriend. i mean, i did during the school year as well, but i think it wasn’t as bad because i had things to keep me busy and more friends around. i often think of him, but it isn’t really often that i actually get sad about it. but now i’m getting kind of sad, and i won’t be able to see him for another week. maybe knowing that is part of the problem. and my phone isn’t working right now so it i can’t even text him or call him. but i do have friends living here right now, which helps.

i have come to realize that my dad has more knowledge of current celebrities and pop culture than i do. most of it is probably just because i don’t have tv, so he sees the news and commercials and things like that. but i think another part is i don’t usually make much of an effort to learn these things, because in most cases i don’t care.

also i think my dad sometimes tries to keep up with things like that because he is afraid of getting old and, i guess, irrelevant. its still kind of weird to see him watching some sort of entertainment new show on occasion, or even worse, BET.

i stopped taking my omeprazole. i read some really bad things about being on it for more than four weeks or so. also, my wellbutrin was increased (which is what the doctor thought caused my stomach problems), and i didn’t get stomach pain again. so i decided that whatever it was isn’t getting worse and i don’t need to take the omeprazole to continue taking the wellbutrin. so i just stopped (it was only two weeks early) because i read that the drug does not require a gradual reduction in dose. and i am off it and my stomach is great! apparently if your stomach lining is irritated a short term reduction in stomach acid will allow it to heal on its own, and long term treatment is not required. i guess that was my situation. so i am very pleased, because i am taking less medication, and my stomach doesn’t hurt anymore. small victories! hopefully by this time next year the only prescription drugs i will be taking are oral contraceptives, which i have (somewhat sadly) accepted that there will be no end to that in the foreseeable future, because my relationship is going so awesomely well, haha. definitely worth it.

watching the storm reminds me if this really epic night my boyfriend and i had at his cottage last summer. that night is probably one of my favorite memories ever, and he has said the same thing. basically, without getting too detailed, it was a night of the best sex ever. and at one point we were on the porch over the river and there was lightning in the distance, but no thunder. it was the perfect backdrop for our pleasure, and just added to the surreal quality of that whole experience. i have never felt so free in my entire life. we were just outside going at it like the world was going to end, and it seriously felt like there was no one else in the world except us. 

a thunderstorm just began here. i’ve always thought of thunderstorms as a catharsis of nature (i probably picked that up somewhere, can’t remember where). i think part of the reason i like thunderstorms is that they seem to have a cathartic effect on me, too. the first big thunderstorm of the season…it is going to be a night of thoughts.

sometimes i wonder that if i was from a traditional, indigenous peoples type of society that i would have better self esteem. it has improved a lot recently, but there is still room for improvement. my point is, i can’t really think of anything that is significantly wrong with the way i look, and maybe if i was raised in a less beauty based culture, i would be happier.

my body is pretty healthy (now). i have managed to get my vitamins and minerals back up, and i don’t feel unwell all the time any more. i have the supposed ‘ideal’ waist to hip ratio of 0.7, and my BMI is in the normal, healthy range. my skin isn’t even bad anymore. i just feel like, from an objective point of view, i’m a perfectly acceptable female specimen. for some reason that doesn’t seem to be good enough here, which upsets me.

i guess i am starting to think that maybe there isn’t anything wrong withme, but things surrounding me. it just annoys me that being a healthy, reasonably intelligent person is not enough. i feel like it should be. after all, i am everything i need to be to properly fill my roles in life and accomplish my goals.

i need to go live with the bushmen of botswana. they seem to appreciate their women.